By now you’ve heard all about John Mayer’s unfortunate remarks in his Playboy interview.  What he said about sex with Jessica Simpson was unnecessary and embarrassing—for both her and us, and throughout the interview he revealed himself to be  deluded about his own “cool points” with African Americans.  The biggest controversies however, have been over his use of the N word and his comments about his “white supremacist dick.”

N word issues will be with us as long as some of us are allowed to use the word and others of us are not. I reiterate my position on that: let’s all stop using it and banish it to history.  Until that happens, however, Mayer and other unfortunate whites who don’t know “the rules” or think they are above them will get caught up in the firestorm about its use.  That’s a game I really don’t play.

I do care very much, however, about the implications of Mayer’s comments about his preferences for white women and their resonance in the wider community. As the author of a book that encourages black women to look beyond race for dates and mates, I hear often black women say they prefer black men.  Many times, however, just beyond that stated preference, lies a list of assumptions that accompany the preference.  When we explore those assumptions and challenge them, reaching beyond what we believe about skin tone (or hair color or height or weight) to the qualities of the person beneath,  the “preference” falls away.   

But Mayer’s comments seem to validate something else I’ve heard so many black women say about interracial dating: “White men aren’t interested in black women—except for as a sexual conquest.”

On the surface, Mayer’s words seem to support what these black women believe about white men. But when you read the full interview, it’s apparent that Mayer knows his preference for white chicks is informed by his ignorance and lack of experience with women of color.  Instead of racism, what I read in his words is an all-too-common malady among white American men: a shocking over-exposure to stereotypes that negatively portray black women and an equally shocking under-exposure to the real deal.  The media image of black women is a loud, finger-swishing man in a dress…while the realities are closer to Michelle Obama.  As a group, we’re known not for the qualities of compassion, determination, vulnerability or honesty…  but for how those qualities can be distorted for entertainment purposes. 

Crying “racist” doesn’t solve this massive PR problem—if it did, it would have been addressed long ago.  Indeed, in some ways the “r-word” makes the problem worse since it adds “angry” the long list of assumptions made about who and what black women are.  Unfortunately, once accusations of racism start, all opportunities for multi-culture education, appreciation and yes, racial healing-- are lost.  And that’s exactly what we have here: an opportunity for healing.

So I ‘m glad John Mayer said some stupid and ignorant things to Playboy.  And I’m glad he recognizes the hurt his words caused.  But mostly I’m glad for the teachable moment his words offer.  He—and we, me and my African American sisters-- need to seize this moment. Not for a chance to affirm that white men are still racists in America and a sister can’t get no love.  But for the opportunity to show ourselves for the beautiful array of personalities, physical types and qualities that we are. We need to seize this gaffe to say to all American men: “We’re smart, we’re loving, we’re beautiful. We’re not what you see on TV or what you watch in movies.  If you don’t take the chance to discover who we truly are, then it will truly be your loss.” 

And John, you need to seize this opportunity to show all of us that Benetton heart you proclaim to have. Apologizing is the first step, certainly, but you have an incredible leadership opportunity here.  I don’t want you to run out and get a hot black girlfriend—until you grow up a bit you’re really not ready to be a good partner to any woman of any race.  But instead of hiding, you can use this firestorm to expand your knowledge and understanding of women from other cultural communities. You can do what I tell  black women to do: ask yourself the hard questions about just what your preferences are based on and whether those sources are truly correct.  You need to embrace opportunities to learn—far beyond  your alleged “hood cred”—because most of us don’t live there anyway.  You need to see black women—and all women—as more than sex objects but as fellow travelers with hearts and minds and hopes and dreams.  You need to see us as friends.

This is yet another opportunity for all of us to really reach beyond our knee-jerk responses and reach for greater common ground. I’m ready.  Lots of black American women are. My sincere hope is that John Mayer-- and the millions of young American men like him—are, too.